From better to well

"I’ve been so surprised to find that the time after the good news that the cancer is gone isn’t a constant float on cloud nine! It seems I had very high expectations of what post-cancer would feel like. I don’t think I’ve ever before considered what this is like for other people,  but it’s clear to me now that being told that you’re better isn’t the same as being well. 

"Chemotherapy is exhausting, so physically there’s a lot to get over. It’s psychologically overwhelming to move from ‘dealing with’ through ‘living with’ to ‘recovering from’. I realised that my body, mind and spirit had been through quite a trauma and that no matter how well I had dealt with it at the time, it had taken its toll. 

"Hearing the Princess of Wales speaking to other cancer patients about the strain of recovery was amazingly reassuring. In July she said:

'You put on a sort of brave face, stoicism through treatment, treatment's done - then it's like 'I can crack on, get back to normal'.

"But actually the phase afterwards is really difficult, you're not necessarily under the clinical team any longer, but you're not able to function normally at home as you perhaps once used to. But it's life-changing for anyone, through first diagnosis or post treatment and things like that, it is a life-changing experience both for the patient but also for the families as well.

"And actually it sometimes goes unrecognised, you don't necessarily, particularly when it's the first time, appreciate how much impact it is going to have. You have to find your new normal and that takes time... and it's a rollercoaster it's not one smooth plane, which you expect it to be. But the reality is it's not, you go through hard times.”

I thought I was just being sappy but pulling myself up by my bootstraps was not a strategy that was working for me. Admitting to myself that I was struggling, that I was very tired and lacking stamina and resilience was difficult but necessary to allow the space for further healing. 

"I also realised that in the past I’d had unrealistic expectations of how well friends and colleagues would be after a major illness. I’d made assumptions about how quickly they might want to socialise, expecting a return to ‘normal’ without an appreciation of how their normal had changed. 

"I’ve found it helpful to reflect on the healings of Jesus, especially those of people who had been in need of healing for a long time. I tried to imagine what life must have been like for the man who had laid by the Pool of Bethesda for thirty-eight years to be up on his feet again. To rebuild his life, rejoicing at the saving power of Jesus, full of gratitude for his salvation, but facing the reality of his new normal. What resources did he have to call on? Who was there to help and guide him? How did he manage the conflicting emotions that his healing must have engendered? It helps me to make sense of Jesus’ question to him, ‘Do you want to be healed?’

"How was it for the man born blind to have his sight restored at the Pool of Siloam and be immediately plunged into conflict, finding himself at the centre of a religious row, having his own life story challenged? He hardly had time to celebrate before the harsh realities of life bore down on him again. How did that leave him feeling? How hard he must have had to fight to hold on to his elation; how brave he was to stand up to those in authority who were trying to rewrite his story. 

"Being better is not the same as being well. Being well takes more time and we neglect this period of healing at our peril. Jesus knew that wellness did not consist in healing the body, although it may have started there, but began with healing the soul. Our inner healing, our true reconciliation with God our Father, comes from our response to his offer of grace. Jesus’ words of forgiveness, ‘Your sins have been forgiven’ came first, preceding physical healing, because they were of utmost importance. 

"Being well is a balance of body, mind and soul and giving time to pay attention to each of these. Being well is about returning to and drinking from the well of salvation, sitting with Jesus as he tells us everything about ourselves, holding a mirror up to our souls, surprising us with his grace. Finding again that stream of living water welling up inside us, refreshing and restoring, reconciling and renewing is our hope and our joy. 

"My illness has made me look again at my own wellness and reassess. It shouldn’t have taken something so drastic to make this happen. As a good friend of mine reminded me, looking after yourself is not selfish, it’s essential. How many of us extol the virtue of balance in our lives to other people but fail to live it ourselves? Through the beautiful dance of the Holy Trinity God demonstrates balance and harmony, we need to seek the same balance and harmony in our lives with Him. 

I’m working on it and I’d like to encourage you to do the same.

"Don’t wait until illness forces you to stop and re-evaluate. Listen instead to the still, small voice telling you to listen, to lie down beside still waters, to allow your soul to be refreshed. Take time to drink deeply from the well of salvation - go from better to well. 

Archdeacon Jane underwent further surgery on 1st October to reverse her stoma and is now recovering prior to a phased return to work.