When we ask, ‘Why me?’

Sometimes it can take a while to see the lesson in what’s happening to us. While I don’t believe that God sends hardship to us to teach or test us, I do believe that we should reflect on our circumstances and actions and learn from them. Learning more about ourselves, our relationship with God and His love and grace are essential to our flourishing and our Christian journey.

I can honestly say that my cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment never once raised up a ‘Why me?’ reaction. I accepted it as part of life, something that happens and can happen to any one of us. I listened to God, trusted in Him and found the path difficult but hopeful. I thought I’d navigated it all really well and, if I’m honest, felt rather pleased that I’d been able to live out my faith so positively through such a tough time.

Yet it seems I still have lots to learn about how to cope with illness and pain. Since September I’ve had pain in my knee, osteoarthritis which I knew I had, but which got significantly worse. I hoped that with rest and painkillers I would manage it and it would improve, but by Christmas and New Year I could hardly walk two steps and had to drag myself upstairs, in tears from the pain.

And there it was, the ‘Why me?’, the self-pity and anger that now I had something else to cope with. The disappointment that this might prevent my return to work. As I struggled, I was aware that, rather than drawing closer to God, I was distancing myself, turning my back. The pain became a block and a barrier to my ability to reach out for help to the One who had always been faithful. My head knew the theory, He is always with me, always close, always faithful and loving, but my heart struggled to open.

I know that the faithfulness of God is not measured against human suffering. Suffering is a result of our fallen world, and we all suffer to a greater or lesser extent. It is in the faithful love of God and our relationship with His son Jesus Christ that we find healing, strength to carry on and purpose in our lives. Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross and his conquering of death and sin is our hope. Yet how hard it is to hold on to that hope when we are in pain.

Through the help of family, good friends and colleagues, my wonderful husband Danny and Macmillan Cancer Care, I’ve been able to reflect, repent and come again into the presence of the One who never left me. I’ve been given a valuable insight into the amazing faith of those who live with pain and suffering every day, some with no prospect of things ever getting better. I’ve been humbled by, and am so grateful for, the help that God sends through the people who care for us and the provision He makes for us.

Once again, I realised that there is a big difference between knowing something, believing it even, and living it. The Psalms have been a painful and necessary read through this time, reflecting as they do the whole gamut of human reaction to life in all its highs and lows. Voicing pain, anger, despair and generally fist shaking at God, but also soaring on eagle’s wings, rejoicing, adoring and full of praise. What is there in the human experience that we can’t bring to God? Nothing. Nothing at all. 

Wherever you are in your journey today, whether things are going great or things are really tough, tell Him about it. Give thanks for the good stuff and don’t hold back on railing against God and letting Him know exactly how you feel about your life, your pain, your anger, your disappointment. Its cathartic and, more importantly, it’s honest. Let the guard down, drop the mask that tells the world that you’re fine, open your heart and pour it all out. He cares, He wants to know, He loves you.

Archdeacon Jane’s phased return is on hold as she has surgery this week on her knee.